Not feeling wanted
Home Therapist’s couch Love Advice
Not feeling wanted
I am a 39-year-old woman. I have been married to my husband for 20 years and have been with him for 22 years. I have one daughter she is 20 years old. I love the outdoors and enjoy gardening. I enjoy walks on the beach and quiet time alone. I have 3 cats and 2 dogs. I have just recently moved to Florida, but lived in Massachusetts all my life.
I am so confused these days. Like I said above, I have been with my husband all my life. He is an excellent worker, provider, and a wonderful father. However, recently I have felt as though I don’t feel the same love towards him. For example, walking on the beach when he holds my hand, there is no "love feelings" – no thrill. Even during lovemaking, I feel as though it is just sex. I love him, but sometimes I feel like I just want to be with another man. I don’t mean it sexually at all. Just the feeling of knowing that I am wanted. I have talked with him about my feelings and all he tells me is if I am not happy with him, I should move on! Do you have any advice?
My dear, I can almost hear it in your voice, ‘Surely, there must be more to life than this?’ You look at TV shows, magazines, or maybe read romance novels, and the message is continuously there. They tell you what Love is. They tell you that Happiness is all important, we have a right to it, it’s a feeling within our hearts that we must have. Paula, it’s all a lie. There are millions of people like you who seek a mirage because everything around us tells us that it is true. Love is not a feeling, an emotion, but a commitment. It’s not ‘chemistry’ but action. It’s what you do, not what you feel.
There probably was a volcano of romantic love within your heart when you met your husband. But that is meant to be no more than the trigger for the long, slow, comfortable bonding that takes place over the years. And, reading between the lines, you do have that. You actually possess all the features of an excellent marriage. Only, you are looking for something else, something that’s an illusion. Suppose that from today on, your husband started to do all the things a new boyfriend might, like court you. He takes you out to expensive places, brings you flowers every day, phones you three times a day when he is not with you. You might be the envy of your friends, but that money would be better spent on useful things. You’d probably feel suffocated by all the attention. You’d probably start to think that he is feeling guilty about something (is he having an affair?). And even if none of those scenarios should be true, after six months or a year of this attention, it will just become routine. It will recede into the background, just the way things are, and you could well end up as unhappy as you are now.
Your husband is wrong. Human relationships are not like cars and other possessions. Trading them in for the new model solves nothing, merely causes unhappiness for everyone concerned. You don’t need to change your partner or your marriage, only your expectations, and your attitudes towards each other. Here is another way of looking at it: Suppose your husband and you now split up, and you find the absolutely perfect guy. He sweeps you off your feet, he thrills you with a touch, everything is perfect. Well, how perfect will it all be in 20 years time? I can tell you: It will feel exactly as you feel now.
Certain needs of yours are currently not being met in the marriage. You can do one of two things about each need: examine it to see if it is realistic or not. If not, let it go. If yes, make changes in your lives so these needs are met. One exercise that has helped many people in your situation, and might help you, is for the two of you to sit down and write out four lists:
- All the good things you are getting from the marriage, including things like being the mother of your daughter, memories of your honeymoon, security, your husband’s friendship, etc.
- The corresponding list of good things for him.
- All the things you’d like to have but are missing. As I said, these need to be examined to see whether you are wishing for the moon.
- Again, the same for him.
Then you can work together to see how you can satisfy his unmet needs, and he yours. Each of you will then be concentrating on making the OTHER ONE happy. And that is the secret of happiness: giving rather than demanding.
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Not feeling wanted or loved by husband
I have never felt so unwanted by someone. When I married I thought I had a partner to love, to be loved by and to explore life with. What I have gotten is saddness, anger and so much hurt. Sometimes the pain is to much for me. I keep asking why is my marriage like this? What could I have done so wrong that he puts friends/his family before our marriage? Below is a post from another site, this was the begining of my marriage it will show you some of the things that have happen. It is alittle long but I hope you take the time to read it. My info is in my journals if you woul dlike to read them.
Hi everyone, I really need some advise on my in-law situation. My MIL and SIL don’t like me, there has been many different excuses over the last two years. I’ll give you a background on me. My DH is from Bolivia (he came to this country in 2000) and we married in Dec. 05 by the JP. We had a baby in July 06 and I also have 2 other children ages 16 and 7. I felt very loved by him and respect but that changed about 6 weeks after we married. He left me home every weekend to go out with the guys even though I would cry at times he still left. He used to come home drunk alot and he was a very mean drunk. I put up with alot from him because I still loved him and we had a baby on the way. His family (mother and sister) never made me feel welcomed. The mother would invite us over there for lunch/dinner and they all knew I couldn’t speak Spanish but they could speak English and while there they barely spoke English. Imaging sitting at a dinner table while people are having conversations and laughing and you have no clue what there talking about and no one including your husband tells you. This has happened on many occasions. On one occasion the sister said to me "just to bad for you" over and over and over to me because I couldn’t understand them. She said we not changing for you. I have never asked that all I asked if they could talk both while I was there so I could join in. I was told "ask what we are talking about". I’m going to interrupt them so they can tell me, why not just say it in English to begin with they why interrupt? The sister and I got into a argument (this happened at the mothers) and my husband gets mad at me. We went home in silences and the next morning he told me before he went to work that he wasn’t going to talk to me until I apologized to this sister. Like a fool I went over to her house and she tells me I’m lazy and the baby was a mistake, I’m bringing her brother down and using him for his money. Mind you when I first got with my husband he was living with his mother and owned a car. I owned my own home and a car. We decided that I was going to stay home with the baby but they(family) thinks I’m lazy. When I told my husband what she said his reply was "she thinks all kids are mistakes" again mind you she has a 17 year old. In November of 06 my hubby went out with his friends in the afternoon and told me he would be home at a certain time, well he came home alot later never called me and had been drinking. I was very upset and extra emotional because I was diagnosed with clinical depression a couple weeks prior. We got in a big fight. The next thing I knew his sister was at my home. He had called her to come and get him. The sister and I had a another argument and they left. He ended up going out with his friends all night and didn’t come home until the next morning. We were getting married again the following month (Dec) because we wanted the big wedding. His sister informed him she wasn’t coming because she said I didn’t treat him good. His brother who was supposed to be the Best Man told him he wasn’t coming and the mother told him the only reason she was coming because her friends were going. At the wedding she didn’t acknowledge our first dance, being introduced or our first dance instead she looked out the window and when I saw her in the rest room she turned her back to me and walked out. I’ll tell you why they think I don’t treat him good. One time while visiting I told my husband the baby needed his diaper changed, his reply "I already changed it today" I said "ok, you can change it again" and that is the truth. I have not talked nor saw the sister and mother in over a year. I am mad at my husband because he doesn’t tell them about what he did to me or how his behavior affected me. I told him many times how his mother’s behavior upset me and he told me it’s my problem. At one point last year she actually told his mother he has a wife and he wouldn’t be coming here until I was welcomed. That did not last long. I feel every time he goes there he is saying I’m not important to him. For awhile I wouldn’t let him bring the baby there because the mother also thought he was a mistake to have. I feel my husband lets them disrespect him. My husband used to pay the car payment and insurance on his younger brothers car and buy him clothes. His brother is several years younger them him and working. His mother made my hubby pay have the living cost but not charge his working brother anything. He gave his mother $2000 towards her car. But they couldn’t or for the mother really didn’t want to come to the wedding. We have had many fights over this. I feel his loyalty should be to our marriage and defending me. The other day we had a discussion about this and he told me they reason they don’t like me is because I have 2 kids and don’t work. I was so mad at my husband because I do bring money into our family. I sell jewelry, candles (which is starting to do really well) and I sell on ebay. But does he tell them that? NO I get little support from him. He has told me several times to do my things on my time not his. I don’t have any time for me between raising 3 excuse me 4 kids (I count him) taking care of the house, bills, appointments, ebay the Jewelry,candles and everything in between. He works from 6:00pm -2:30am comes home, sleeps gets up and goes to the gym, eats and back to work. I wish that’s all I had to. He wants me to work 40 hours a week and I told him more then half my pay will go to daycare so I don’t see the purpose and he is can’t take care of our son because he needs to sleep. He doesn’t consider what I’m doing work. I usually go to bed about 2:00am and get up at 7:30 am and I don’t stop all day. I did tell him fine I go to work but I am not doing all the cooking and cleaning. He says fine "I can cook for me and my boy" I asked him about Sky and Sean (my 2 children) and he says to me "I’m not going to babysit and feed YOUR kids, yea,right". Then I asked why didn’t he follow through on what he said to his mother about not going there? He said he tried and it didn’t work and he not going to stay away and if he has to choose between her and me he will choose her. I told him he is not committed and has little loyalty to this marriage. He said he said that because he was mad. He puts everything on me and I am getting overwhelmed. I told him to take care of the house bills because he was always complaing and he said no because he doesn’t want to. When my hubby stayed away from them he was nicer to the kids and I but now he is different. The sister’s husband does not get along with her son sometimes I wonder if she is jealous because she mad a comment about my ring saying how nice it was and all she had was a plain one. It was the tone she used when she made her remark. Another problem I have is spending time with him. We don’t get any quality time together during thweek because of his hours. On weekends he wants to spend with his friends or visiting his mother. His first idea was to spend Saturday with me and all Saturday night with the guys. I told him no because when he goes out with them he doesn’t come home until 5-6:am and sleeps Sunday away because he was drunk. I said how about you spend the day with them and night time for us. Then he said every other Saturday day and night with the guys and Sundays with his mother. So basically we are going to spend every other weekend together. That is not a marriage. We don’t do anything as a family or as a couple for that matter. He tells me it is not his problem when it comes to his family and I disagree. I am his wife the one he claims to love and I feel it is his problem. I’m going to jump to a small situation this morning. While he was finishing breakfast I was putting the dirty ones in the dirty dishes in the washer and he comes over and outs his in the sink. I told him you just saw me empty the sink put your dish in the washer and he said and walked away. Getting back to the mother, the summer the baby was born my MIL, SIL, BIL and my hubby and I went to the beach and as my husband and BIL were fishing My MIL starts talking about his ex wife. Telling me how they used to take showers together everyday and the nic names they had for each other. They are EVIL PEOPLE! Anyway, what are your thoughts on this? What would you expect your husband to do? What would you do?