Why doesn’t my husband put me first
Let’s admit it. We all want to feel as though we’re the most important thing in our boyfriend’s life. Every woman wishes for a relationship in which the man she adores puts her first. Unfortunately, most relationships just aren’t like that. If you’re with a man who repeatedly puts his own needs first, that’s incredibly frustrating. You feel second best all the time and you wonder if you’ll ever feel as though your needs and wants really matter. You’ve likely spoken to your guy about what you’re feeling but has anything really changed? If you’re tired of being pushed behind your man’s own needs, now is the time to change it. Unless you want to continue to feel second best to him, you have to take specific actions to shift the dynamic of the relationship so your own needs are being acknowledged and met .
Stop Giving So Much to the Relationship
When you give a man more than you get back, in an emotional sense, you’re living in a very unbalanced relationship. Men are quick to pick up how much a woman is willing to do for them. If you’re the type of woman who drops everything to rush to be with her guy when he calls, that’s sending him a very clear message about how you view yourself. He’ll immediately assume that you place more value on his needs than your own. You must change that.
Starting this moment it’s important that you recognize that the most important person in your life is you. Yes, of course, you love your boyfriend, but he has shown you, through his past actions, that he loves himself more than he loves you. That’s a good indicator that you need to follow his lead, and love yourself more.
If he calls and tells you that he has a free evening and wants to see you, tell him that you’re busy. If you’ve always been the one to tidy up his place because he’s not attentive enough to that, stop doing it. Whatever effort you are putting into the relationship that you believe will make him love you more, you must shift to yourself.
Spend less time tending to your boyfriend’s needs and more time f ocused on your own needs . He’ll notice the change in you almost immediately and it will send him a very strong message that says that you’re not going to continue to jump through hoops for him.
Don’t Discuss the Relationship with Him Right Now
Men can very quickly tone out a woman when she’s talking non-stop about the relationship and her needs. If you have tried explaining to your boyfriend that you feel that he always puts you second and nothing has changed to this point, bringing it up again isn’t going to do any good or change a thing.
If you suddenly stop talking about it and act somewhat distant and removed, that will make him sit up and take notice. As women, we must recognize that if we continue to accept behavior from the man in our lives that we’re not completely happy with, we’re still sending him a silent message that suggests it’s all okay. Take for instance, the problem of a man who never puts you first. Even if you complain repeatedly to him that you want him to recognize your needs more, and he refuses to do that, the fact that you’re still right there beside him suggests to him that you’re really fine with it.
Dropping all talk about what you feel is wrong with your connection with your boyfriend will make him realize something isn’t quite right. Men respond much better to a woman who is strong, focused and confident.
Refocus on Your Own Life and Interests
When a man senses that a woman needs him to be the center of her world, he will often pull back because he can’t handle the pressure that comes with that. When a couple is in the dating stages of their relationship it’s important for both partners to keep a balanced objective. If you have pushed aside everything in your life to make room for your relationship, your boyfriend may start to resent the fact that you expect him to do the same. That could translate into him never putting you first deliberately as a way of making it clear to you that he relishes having his own life that is separate from you.
You need to start chasing your own interests again. That may be anything from hanging out with your girlfriends more to planning an exotic vacation with your sister. Whatever you feel you have been placing aside in favor of being with your boyfriend should become your focus now.
Many women make the mistake of placing their career dreams on hold while they devote more time to their man. If you’re guilty of this you need to shift that back into place now. The happier, stronger and more fulfilled you are as a woman, the more desirable you will become to your man.
By putting your own interests and needs first, you’ll be demonstrating to your boyfriend, exactly what you need from him. Show him that he’s no longer number one on your priority list and he’ll start working harder to show you that he’s worth that spot by putting you first in his own life .
My Husband Doesn’t Put Me First
Posted by Michael and Wanda in Marriage Q & A | Comments Off on My Husband Doesn’t Put Me First
Posted by: Renee
My Husband Doesn’t Put Me First
Question: My husband doesn’t put me first. When my husband plans out an event with family or friends, he’ll plan it out for a week or two.
When I ask him what we’ll do this weekend he does not have a clue or even ask if I would like to do something fun with him. He will not do any activities that are a interest to me and does not want to take part in my interest. It is always his way or do nothing at all. But if it involves his family or friends he just jumps
on a plan and away they go on what every activity is going on.
I feel that why should I say anything to him at all. My plans to him are nothing to him. We had a rocky marriage for years.
In his eyes,every argument we are in is very intense and we will not speak for the rest of the day or week. And it is always my fault. He is never wrong.
I write little love notes to him and I ask him why will not do the same for me, he said action speaks louder than words.
I found out three years ago that he used to call his family and friends after we had words with each other and bad mouth me to them about what I said or did to him. He did that all the years of our marriage. Ouch I was very hurt by that. I never did that to him with my family or friends.
So what advice would you have for me in this very rocky marriage. Thank you for your in put.
Answer: Hello Renee, it sounds like one of the problems in your marriage is simply immaturity. It also sounds as if there’s a lot of resentment built up.
Based on what you have told us, you have every reason to be hurt. But at the same time, you must guard yourself against unforgiveness and bitterness because the Bible tells us that unforgiveness will hinder our prayers. It also tells us that if we don’t forgive, we will not be forgiven.
We don’t know if your husband is a Christian or not, but in cases where the husband is not saved, the Bible says that the husband can be won over by the behavior of his wife. So, make sure that you are showing your husband the love of Christ and not lashing out in retaliation.
Are the two of you members of a local church? If so, make sure that you are actively involved. Also, inquire as to whether or not they have a marriage ministry. If the two of you don’t have a church, you should begin seeking one. Pray and ask God to lead you to a good Bible teaching church with a marriage ministry in place. If your husband is unwilling to go to church, then go alone. Your relationship with Christ is what’s going to get you through — so it needs to be strong.
If your husband won’t take the initiative to plan weekend activities, then perhaps you should do the planning. Plan things that he wants to do. I know you may be thinking “but what about me?” Well, you have to start somewhere. So, meet your husband where he is. Arguing with him will not convince him of anything. It will only build up more resentment between the two of you.
If your husband is open to counseling, we suggest you seek Pastoral counseling. Otherwise, we are planning to make available an alternative counseling program this year that would be very beneficial to the two of you.
In the mean time, why not print the free Bible Studies we offer on our website for couples and study those with your husband. ‘What Your Wife Needs” and “What Your Husband Needs” are good starting points.
My husband won’t put our family first.
I feel I am at the end of the line. My husaband and I have been married for 5 years. He has a huge family and a mother who is treated like the queen bee. Some of the siblings have failure to launch due to moms depressive states of being alone. Some siblings have drug issues and some are just gossipers wanting to start problems, but all of them (6 siblings and mom) do not like me. They try to hurt me talk bad about me and make my husband choose sides.
They want him to be the person he was before he met me and if he doesnt involve in drugs or partying they blame it on me. (mom has no issues with the drugs and partygoers in her house) they are always talking on the phones all day to my husband and involved in every aspect of our lives, even to our vacations and personal times. I have stated my opinion numerous times to my husband and we have argued over this issue for 5 years, yet it seems he is sticking up for them and telling me Im the crazy one and they are not doing anything to me.
I ask him to stick up for me when his family puts me down and he says he does but as they point and scream in my face, he turns his back on it(literally). he allows them to put me down in emails and says nothing to them, instead he spends hours on the phone with them laughing and seeing everything is ok. I tell him that I feel like he is backstabbing me because he cant stick up for me and the kids and he allows them to do this to us. And as he is allowing this he talks to them all everyday on the phone like nothings wrong. He then retaliates by yelling at me and telling me that I am the problem.
There is more to this and this is a vauge discription of what is going on. I just want to know?? is his family being too much, should he minimize his calls with them if they cant respect us?? Am I wrong for even asking him to minimize his time with them for this.
(insight on the mother and my husbands relationship)
When I gave birth to my son, my husband gave me a guilt trip that i needed the mother to be in the birthing room. I hated the idea because of all the hurt and pain she had caused me and at the fact that at that moment she wouldnt even talk to me, but I agreed for my husband. after having the baby (uncomfortably), they took the baby away to clean him and check on him due to being born way to big, when they gave him to the father to give the baby to me, he gave the baby to his mother instead, as I sat there in disbalief that I wasnt the first to hold my baby.
We are always catering to her to make her happy, she always gives us a guilt trip and even if it hurts me or my kids today, he still suckers in for her. Is he wrong to put us on the back burner for her??
Thank you for listning to my story and answering me. I know that massive emails may seem to get overwhelming. But I do thank you for your time and efforts in helping me. Thanks.
No. You’re not wrong. Part of growing up and making a family is transferring primary allegiance from one’s family of origin to the new family. One of the responsibilities of the older generation is to support the new family in doing this. Ideally, there is room for everyone to have good relationships with everyone else while putting emphasis on creating a safe and secure environment for the children. It sounds to me like your husband hasn’t found a way to become a loving husband first and a respectful son second. He has been raised to think that doing so risks his membership in his original family. Of even greater concern is that the so-called adults are modeling for their children that drugs, partying, and hurting others are appropriate ways for adults to behave.
Fighting only exhausts you and makes your husband’s family gang up on you all the more. My suggestion is that you drop the fight and do all you can to develop your career and a life outside the scope of this family. If it gets to the point that you can’t stand it any more, you’ll have the means to separate and a group of friends who can offer you support. Meanwhile, protect your children from the situation as best you can. For the sake of peace, you might want to make an appearance at family events but I see no reason for you to stay very long when family members can’t be civil to you and can’t be reasonable role models for your children.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.