Why Doesn’t He Want to Have Sex With Me?
You’re lying in bed bumping up against that body next to you, seething with hurt and anger. You haven’t been touched or reached for in more months than you care to count. You’ve gone through the typical exercises of seduction, friendship and caring, only to have been rejected and thwarted again and again. Your mind has assessed all of the possibilities: is there someone else, another woman, a lack of desire or is it loss of love? Bruised and hurt, you withdraw and the situation now becomes distant and lonely.
You are not alone! This story repeats itself in many bedrooms all across America. Your natural impulse is to blame yourself. What am I doing wrong? What can I do right? But just as we can never make anyone love us, we can’t make someone want to have sex.
So, what can you do?
The root of the problem
First, you have to find out the cause. What are the reasons your man has stopped having sex with you? Don’t play "the blame game." If you find yourself rejected and in a sexless marriage or relationship without touching, hugging or kissing, without the comfort of the words "I love you," it may not have anything to do with you. Believe it or not, there are over 20 million marriages in the United States just like yours.
One thing you can do when you find yourself in this situation is to go with your husband or mate to a medical doctor to discover whether or not his lack of desire is tied to a medical issue. Possible medical reasons for a low sex drive include:
1. He may be experiencing low testosterone, which is a normal result of aging. This can cause a loss of libido.
2. He may be depressed or under undo stress at work, in which case he may be over-reaching for alcohol, caffeine or drugs, all of which can effect sexual drive and performance.
3. He may be physically ill or on anti-depressants, as well as prostate medicine, all of which can affect erectile function.
4. He may have developed a sexual disorder that could be related to a traumatic sexual event in his past that is now surfacing through the intimacy of marriage or relationship.
5. Excessive exercise may be the culprit, a syndrome that can mirror anorexia and bulimia and may affect sexual desire.
6. He may be watching porn and therefore masturbating, lowering his own sexual function.
7. And finally, sleep deprivation can be your problem. For instance, if you are getting less sleep because you and your mate are experiencing emotional difficulties or you are the parents of a new baby.
However, after talking openly with your partner, you may discover that your sexual issues are more emotional:
1. He may be angry with you over some perceived event or experience. For example, perhaps you’ve gained weight and he believes you no longer care about being attractive to him.
2. He may feel that you are over-controlling and hypercritical, and has shut down in an effort to push back.
3. He may be bored. As the saying goes, "familiarity breeds contempt," as you and your partner get into a sex routine that may cause you to take each other for granted.
4. And you can’t overlook the real possibility that your mate is bored of having sex with you because he is really interested in having sex with someone else. a rationale that frees him from being faithful.
5. Finally, husbands and lovers who have problems with intimacy often put space and distance between them and you when they find themselves in a committed relationship, which can make them feel vulnerable.
If you can relate to any of the above listed problems, what can you do about?
• The first thing you must do is acknowledge that you have a problem and recognize what that problem really is.
• Communication is key and though you may find it embarrassing and even humiliating, it is important to speak your truth to your mate.
• Counseling, including seeing a sex therapist, can help you get to the root of your problem and reconnect with your mate.
• Sometimes, you can improve your sex life simply through sensate focus. By learning how to touch your partner in a pleasing way, you can revitalize the romance of foreplay, which, by the way, begins way before the bedroom and has everything to do with the small kindnesses you show to your mate.
• And though sex therapy is usually short in duration, approximately eight or nine sessions, you can benefit greatly from it by learning to communicate your sexual interests and fantasies while hearing your mate’s.
• Counseling can also help teach you and your mate how to communicate about sex initiation including your feelings and resentment, from the rejection of sexual avoidance.
• Another simple strategy that can come from sex therapy is helping you and your mate prioritize sex, rather than letting exercise, children and social encounters override your intimacy and romance.
• Personal hygiene can also be addressed in professional counseling sessions and is the easiest problem for you and your mate to solve. Paying attention to your appearance, breath and body odor can express to your partner that he counts and you care.
• And a medical professional can identify if erectile dysfunction is your mate’s problem. If it is, a doctor can prescribe any number of drugs that can improve erectile function.
Remember, relationships are messy and complicated. So when you discuss these tender issues with your mate, it is important to follow my empathic process. This can lead you to not only your story, but allows you to listen to your partner’s without defense. Nothing happens in a vacuum, and by staying engaged rather than retreating and pulling away, you have your best chance to really experience emotional intimacy with your partner.
Finally, if all your attempts at solving your problems fail and your relationship is polarized beyond repair, you always have the choice to leave. If you choose divorce, you should continue with a professional counselor, to help you heal these marital wounds and not repeat this mistake again.
19 Unfortunate Signs Your Husband Doesn’t Love You Anymore
Sometimes, people fall out of love. We don’t ever want to believe it’ll happen to us, but here are some signs your husband doesn’t love you anymore.
Women dream of their perfect husband and living happily ever after with him, and that starts at a young age. And of course, Disney movies like Cinderella and Snow White don’t help us either. We’re all programmed to want our Prince Charming who sweeps us off our feet and with whom we’ll ride off into the sunset.
But let’s face it – that’s not reality for a lot of people. Even if a couple is happily married, they still may not be blissful. So, let’s take a look at why some people fall out of love.
Why people fall out of love
We don’t even want to think about the possibility of falling out of love. But unfortunately, it happens. And if you think it’s happening to your *or your husband*, you are not alone. Here are some reasons why people fall out of love.
#1 They stop communicating. Communication is HUGE in any relationship. But in a marriage – a relationship where you’re spending the rest of your life with someone – it is even more vital. If you don’t talk to each other, it’s easy to fall out of love. [Read: 18 critical signs of an unhealthy relationship]
#2 They take each other for granted. This one makes me so angry. No one, and I mean no one, should take ANYONE for granted. But, it happens nonetheless. People forget that tomorrow is not guaranteed, and so they just assume the other person will always be there.
#3 They have unrealistic expectations. Maybe your husband thought you’d stay at your size 8 body for the rest of your life. Or you thought he wouldn’t go into his man cave every night and ignore you. Expectations almost always lead to disappointment. [Read: 14 unrealistic expectations that can ruin your love life]
#4 They are bored. This is a sad and immature reason, but it is one that happens to some people. They might be so programmed to want excitement and novelty that your normal, everyday relationship has grown stale.
#5 One or both of you think you’re incompatible. Let’s face it – you never really know someone until you live with them long term. And then you find out how wildly incompatible you are. This happens a lot. [Read: 12 subtle signs of a loveless unhappy marriage]
Possible signs your husband doesn’t love you anymore
Before you read these, I want to preface it by saying these are *possible* signs that your husband doesn’t love you anymore. I’m not saying he doesn’t. So, let’s just get that straight right here. To know for sure, you will have to have a long conversation with him. Because he is the only one who knows for sure.
Here are possible signs your husband doesn’t love you anymore:
#1 He forgets your birthday or anniversary. Okay, I know. There are tons of men who forget special occasions. I get it. But if he used to remember, but now he doesn’t, then that might be a problem. It’s the change in behavior patterns that is the most concerning.
#2 He blames you for all the problems. If he won’t take any responsibility for his actions or the overall state of the marriage, then this is a big issue. It’s not necessarily one of the signs your husband doesn’t love you anymore, but it’s not a good factor for the state of your relationship. [Read: Marriage advice – 11 tips for a happily ever after]
#3 He doesn’t put any effort into your relationship. If you feel like you are doing all the work, then you are. And you’re doing most of the work because he probably just doesn’t care anymore. Don’t take it too personally, he is just not mature enough to be a stand up man who knows how to make his marriage work.
#4 He never calls or stays connected to you. When you were first dating, of course, the communication was constant. When people are newly in love, it’s natural. But when people fall out of love, they don’t want to – or need to – stay connected to the other person anymore.
#5 He is cold and inattentive. Another one of the signs your husband doesn’t love you anymore is if he is acting like a stranger. If he never has any time to talk to you and doesn’t treat you like his wife, that’s not a good sign. [Read: 16 questions to make talking about marriage really easy]
#6 You catch him *or suspect he is* cheating. If he won’t let you look through is phone or emails, or if he doesn’t come home when he says he will, then that’s a problem. It’s not necessarily a sign he’s cheating, but it certainly is suspicious, and it shouldn’t be happening.
#7 He’s not home very often. He makes every excuse to not spend time with you. He has to work late all the time, or he’s always going out with the boys. Even if he’s at the gym all the time, he is constantly coming up with reasons to do his own thing and stay away from home.
#8 He no longer wants sex or shows affection. While the stereotype that every man wants sex all the time is a myth, he should at least want it some of the time. But if nothing is happening in your bedroom besides sleeping, then this is *or is going to be* a huge problem.
Even if he’s just not holding your hand or sitting next to you on the couch, well, it could be one of the signs your husband doesn’t love you anymore. [Read: 10 ways to make married sex feel like a one night stand]
#9 He doesn’t miss you. Let’s say he comes home from work and you’re not there. Maybe you usually are, but he doesn’t even notice. He doesn’t call… he just doesn’t even care.
Or maybe you’re away on a long business trip, and when you come home, he doesn’t seem to be happy about it. This lack of missing you could be another one of the signs your husband doesn’t love you.
#10 He is irritated when you try to talk to him about your relationship. Women usually do like to talk about their relationship problems, but if a husband is still committed to making his marriage work, he will try his best to talk as well.
So, if your husband gets annoyed when you try to bring up working on your marriage, that might be a sign that he has emotionally checked out. [Read: How to tell your partner that you’re unhappy – 10 little steps]
What you can do about it
I know how miserable it is to be in a relationship and think that the other person doesn’t love you anymore. But it’s important not to get discouraged, because you don’t have to live like this forever. There are some things you can do if you see these signs your husband doesn’t love you anymore. [Read: 10 ridiculous myths people believe about marriage]
#1 Talk to him. Yes, it’s simple. But it’s amazing how many people don’t do this! I’m not saying it’s a guarantee that it’s going to fix all your problems, or he’s going to fall madly in love with you again, but you have to talk about it because it’s the first step. Ignoring the problem only makes it worse.
#2 See a therapist. He may be resistant to this idea. If he is, it may be another one of the signs your husband doesn’t love you anymore. But try to convince him to at least go once. Maybe the therapist can talk some sense into him, and then he might conjure up the desire to try to work on your marriage.
#3 Take time for yourself. Don’t neglect yourself! Sometimes, when people are so worried that their significant other is falling out of love with them, they don’t take time for themselves.
Go out with the girls. Get massages. Read a good book. Get your mind off it, and love yourself enough to take care of yourself. [Read: 25 must-follow relationship rules for successful love]
#4 Decide to stay in or get out. Don’t stay in limbo forever. That is just sad, frustrating, and only create unhappiness in the long term. So, while you two are trying to work things out, you need to eventually decide if it will work.
While getting out of a marriage is incredibly difficult, it could be a better decision in the long run. But only you can answer that question.
If you see some of these signs your husband doesn’t love you anymore, just know that you are not alone. There are countless people out there *male and female* whose spouses emotionally check out. But remember, do what’s best for you.
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